So here I lie, 3 days before Christmas and 3 days post top surgery. It seems both a long time coming and no time at all… I know for some people the time I waited will be nothing compared to how long they wait for surgery. People around the world wait years and years just to have their gender identity confirmed by a couple of strangers (doctors). I recognize the enormous privilege I have that I was able to have the surgery privately, though the fact I did have to go private angers me. Though it is technically elective and cosmetic, this is life saving surgery for me and others. From puberty to now I have tried to take my life too many times, I have hurt myself and neglected myself in order to inflict injury and pain. I have punished myself for not being the right thing.
Heading down to be drawn on, then waiting for the op, walking to the anesthetic room…people commented on how chilled out I was, was I not nervous? No. Not in the slightest. Not even a tiny bit. Because I was going to wake up with the body that I should have.
And I did. I woke up sore and groggy but smiling. My worst fear was that I lose the person I love by becoming myself, but she was there waiting for me. She hadn’t run away. And when the surgeon came in to have a look I cried. In fact, I cried about 3 times that evening each time the blanket was pulled back and I saw my chest. I cried tears of relief and joy.
I am finally post top surgery. I am finally my authentic self, and apart from some excess fat from my front, I have lost nothing worthwhile in finding myself.